14/06/2010

आज भेटायला आई आल्यावर आनंद देखिल वाटला पण.. एकीकडे विषाद देखिल वाटत होता कारण जेंव्हा तिने सांगितले की, बस मधे चढ़ता येत नाही, कारण माझ्यामुळेच तिला हा अधूपणा आला आहे हे सहज विसरता येत नाही.
तुम्ही आर्थिक प्रश्नाविषयी विचारलंत तेंव्हा आज खरेच माझ्याकडे पैसा असता तर मी निश्चितच अजूनही दारूच पीत राहिलो असतो. माझ्यात व भावाच्यात जरी सामंजस्य आहे तरी आज कामापुरता पैसा आहे म्हणून आततायी निर्णय घ्यायचे नाहीत असे ठरवले आहे. कारण त्याचे काय करायचे? अन्यथा पैसा कसा वाढवता येईल याकडे माझे निश्चितच लक्ष आहे. पण जेंव्हा लौकिकार्थाने जेंव्हा कामाचा विषय निघतो तेंव्हा मला फक्त मर्यादाच दिसतात. कारण जेमतेम बुद्धी आणि कसलाही अनुभव नाही, व्यवहारज्ञान नाही, आणि समाजाची भीती, हि ती करणे होत. दारू न पिताच राहायचे तर इथे काय किंवा मला घरात कोंडून घेऊन देखील राहता येईलकी! पण त्याला अर्थ नाही. जिथे माझा कुणावर आणि कुणाचा माझ्यावर विश्वास नव्हता तिथे आता हळूहळू बसत चालला आहे हे  देखील काही कमी नाही तेंव्हा एखाद-दोन वर्षे अवलंबित्व काही वाईट नाही. हे सर्व लिहिण्याचेही कारण आहे की, मी पटकन विसरतो. त्यासाठी कधी निवांत क्षणी वाचून ह्या जाणीवा जागृत ठेवाव्या लागतात.
आत्ता हे लिहिताना फळ्यावर इनपुटचे डिफेन्स लिहिलेले होते तिकडे नजर गेली. मी स्वतः एकेका डिफेन्सचे पूर्ण वह्या भरभरून उदाहरणे देऊ शकतो कारण तेवढी मी ती वापरली आहेत. पण आता त्याबाबत कधी कधी जागृत नसतो हेदेखील मान्य!
पण खोटं बोलणे हे पार हाडीमाशी मुरलेला डिफेन्स आहे. आता मी कणेकरी वाचत होतो तेंव्हा शिरीष कणेकरांनी थापाड्या व खोटारडा असे दोन भाग केलेले आहेत त्यापैकी मी थापाड्या या गटात निश्चित मोडतो! कसा काय? तर त्यांनीच एक उदाहरण दिले आहे की, समजा एखादा मनुष्य कुणाला भेटायला सिटीबसने आला तर ...खोटारडा माणूस सांगेल की, 'त्याचं काय झालं, आज गाडी गॅरेज मध्ये कामाला निघाली...टूव्हीलर भावाने नेली...आणि taxi वेळेवर मिळाली नाही...रिक्षा देखील नाही..तेंव्हा बसने यायला लागले...'यात तो खोटे बोलत असतो आणि आपल्याकडे गाडी, .टूव्हीलर आहे, आणि taxi रिक्षाने यायची आपली ऐपत आहे, आणि आज आगदी नाईलाजाने बसने यायला लागले हे त्याला दाखवायचे असते!
२     "थापाड्या"  हा खोटं बोलायचे म्हणून बोलतो!
उदा: समजा एखाद्या मनुष्याला विचारले, 'आज टू जेवण काय केलेस?' तेंव्हा या थापाड्या व्यक्तीने जर 'वरणभात' खाल्ला असेल ते तो 'पिठलेभात' असे सांगेल! वास्तविक त्यात असा काय फरक आहे? किंवा दर्जात काय फरक आहे? पण खोटं बोलायचे म्हणून बोलणारा तो थापाड्या!
माझ्या बाबत हे होते कारण मी जर 'अलका' ला 'लालबाग परळ' सिनेमा पहिला तर मी तो 'नीलायम' ला पहिला असे सांगेन यात दर्जाचादेखील, तिकीटाचाही फरक नाही! असो.
आज पाऊस पडत होता तेंव्हा जोशी सर पेटी घेऊन आणि सचिन ढोलके घेऊन बसला असता, जोशी सरांनी दोन मिनिटे कोणकोणत्या रेल्वे लाईन वर कोणकोणती गाणी गातात हे साभिनय करून दाखवले! तेंव्हा त्यांच्याकडून हि कला शिकून घ्यावी म्हणतो!
निदान घरून काही मिळो न मिळो उपाशी तरी मरणार नाही! सरांना 'फ्री टाईम' कधी असतो ते विचारून घ्यायला लागेल एकदा!


नमस्कार,
तुम्हाला इतक्या सर्व जाणिवा आहेत, भावना वाटतात पण तुम्ही त्या स्वतः जितक्या समजू शकता पण त्या संबंधित व्यक्तीपर्यंत पोचवत नाही, तर काय उपयोग?
अजून एक सांगायचं होतं की नात्यांमध्ये जो कडवटपणा वाटतो तो जर कमी करायचा असेल तर काही काम त्यावर करायचं असल्यास बघा. empathy  हा जो प्रकार आहे, स्वतःच्या आईने त्या त्या वेळी जे decision  घेतले (जे तुम्हाला पटले नाहीत) ते कदाचित चुकीचे असतीलही! परंतु तिचे भावनिक चढ-उतार, तिच्या insecurities , तिचा एकटेपणा हा कधी समजून घेतला आहे का? तिला कुणाचा आधार आहे? मोठा मुलगा (ज्यावर आया खूप भिस्त ठेवतात) आधार देत नसेल तर तिची मानसिक अवस्था काय झाली असेल? तर if you empathize, the bitterness may so down! please give it a try!

आपण याविषयी बोलूया.
तुमचा नवीन profession चा choice खूप आवडला!!
 

वैशाली मॅडम

11/06/2010

दारूबद्दल काय स्थान आहे हे आता निश्चित सांगू शकतो तरी यावेळी जेंव्हा येथे आलो तेंव्हा अगम्य आहे, न समजण्यासाठी आहे असे काहीजण म्हणाले पण ए.ए.चे 'बिग बुक' वाचताना सर्व उलगडा होतो कारण तेथे अगदी आम्ही कामुकतेच्या अपराधीपणातून दारू पिली असे देखील सांगितले आहे. याबरोबरच तुमच्या पहिल्या रिमार्क्स मध्ये 'तुम्ही दुस-यांदा 'तिकडे' का गेला? असा प्रश्न होता ते ते वातावरण मला कांही नवीन नाही ह्या पाच सहा महिन्यात भरपूर वेळा तिकडे फिरलो मात्र विचार आले नाहीत कारण वास्तविक आवडणे आणि प्रत्यक्ष कृती यांत जमीन-अस्मानाचे अंतर आहे.
दुसरी बाब आशी की मी ज्या नैतिकतेच्या गप्पा आता मारतो त्यात मी म्हणतो की, संधी असून मी तसा वागत नाही (तपशीलात जाण्याची गरज नाही कारण माझे पहिले कौन्सिलर सांगतात की, माणसाने नेहमी खरे सांगावे पण खरेच सगळे सांगू नये!) तर जेंव्हा मी ज्या सामाजिक स्तरातून येतो, किंवा व्यसनकाळात जेथे राहत होतो, तेथे देखील कांही तत्वे होती पण सर्वच अनैतिक अथवा एकदम नीतिवान असे कांही नव्हते. हे सर्व तेथे देखील होते मात्र माझ्यावर काळात नकळत झालेले 'संस्कार' हे आणि अनुभव ज्यात अनैतिकतेचे खुनापर्यंत बघितलेले परिणाम या सर्वांचा आणि वाचनाचा कांही प्रभाव या सर्वांमुळे बनलेले एक मत {तत्व नव्हे} याचा परिपाक म्हणून नैतिकता यावर होतो. तेंव्हा या अनुषंगाने येणा-या चार चांगल्या गोष्टीदेखील याबरोबरच येतात. जसे : इतरांना मदत करणे इत्यादी. पण हे चांगले संस्कार उलटवण्यासाठी किंवा साधे घरात पैशाची मागणी करताना बळजोरी करताना एक जबरदस्त ताकद लागते, हे सर्व चांगुलपणा हा प्रवाहातल्या काडीसारखा असतो तो सतत माझ्यासोबत वाहत असतोच पण तो उलटवण्यासाठी जी ताकद, आणि धैर्य लागते ते दारू मला देते.  

इथपर्यंत ठीक आहे पण जेंव्हा हेच मी दारू न पिता करतो तेंव्हा गिल्ट का? आणि असला तरी नंतर का? हे पुन्हा समर्थन वाटाते. त्यासाठी real self  आणि projected image यांत सारखीच किंवा न पटणारी न आवडणारी असते आणि त्याबाबत मात्र नंतर भयंकर गोधळ उडू लागतो. यामुळे भूतकाळाशी नेहमीच सांगड घातली जाते. याविषयी self talk विषयी बोलले पाहिजे कारण हा गोधळ थांबला पाहिजे. असे मला वाटते. आज खेळ सुरु व्हायला अवकाश होता तेंव्हा आमचा एक पेशंट मित्र त्याच्या सहा-सात वर्षाच्या गोड मुलीला घेऊन तेथे आला. आम्ही सर्वजण तेथे बसलो असता तिने मला डॉमेंट्री कडे निर्देश करून   विचारले , दादा , (हो! कारण लहान मुले अजून मला त्यांच्यातलाच समजतात!) तेथे काय आहे? मी सहज उत्तरलो आम्ही तेथे राहतो. तुझा बाबा देखील तेथेच राहत होता!' पण छोटी फारच चटपटीत होती! ती पटकन म्हणाली, "बाबा! तू मला सांगितलास की तू हैद्राबाद ला गेलास म्हणून...." मग मागून तो मित्र येऊन काहीतरी सारवासारव केली....
मागच्या वर्षी मी मुक्तांगण येथे होतो! तिथे आम्ही दिवाळीत किल्ले वगैरे बांधले होते!(आयुष्यात पहिल्यांदा आणि शुद्धीत!) तेंव्हा माझी भाची तिथे आली होती तिने मला विचारले होते, मामा, तू  इथे राहतो? हे तुझे घर आहे?
हो म्हणालो.....काय बोलणार...?


नमस्कार,
हे वाचून माझीपण पहिली reaction ह्यावर काय बोलणार? अशीच आली.
भूतकाळाची सांगड हि राहतेच विसरू म्हणून तो तो विसरता येत नाहीच पण त्याबद्दलची sensitivity कमी होईल का? आंपण याविषयी सविस्तर बोलू.

वैशाली मॅडम

tirupati2

tirupati

कौन बनेगा करोडपती?

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are

The NeoCube

09/06/2010

सध्या उत्तरांची अपेक्षाही नाही तेंव्हा हे सहज सुचलं या सदरात लिहित आहे कारण यावेळी नुसतं बसून काय करणार? असो. आज सारंग सरांचे टर्निंग पॉइन्ट मध्ये शेअरिंग ऐकलं, छान वाटलं. नंतर सहज एका कागदावरचा लेख चिवडा खाताना वाचला..तो काहीतरी 'सकाळ' ला 'करियर' नावाची कसलीशी पुरवणी येते त्या संदर्भात होता. त्यात आजच्या स्पर्धात्मक युगात काम करायचे, तर कसे करावे याविषयी लिहिले होते, त्यात एक उदाहरण देखील दिले होते..ते असे की, दोन मित्र (एकाच व्यवसायातील) एकदा जंगलात जातात. जंगलात त्यांचा रस्ता चुकतो. ते आणखीनच घनदाट जंगलात शिरतात. तेंव्हा त्यांना सिंहाची डरकाळी ऐकू येते. लांबून ती ऐकून एक मित्र आपल्या बॅगेतून धावण्याचे बूट काढू लागतो. ते पाहून दुसरा विचारतो, हे बूट घालून तुला काय वाटतं? की तू सिंहापेक्षा वेगाने पळू शकशील ? यावर दुसरा सांगतो की, मला सिंहाला मागे टाकायचे नाहीच. मला फक्त तुला मागे टाकायचेय!
वाचून कागद रद्दीत टाकून दिला. (माझ्या मते तीच योग्य जागा आहे.) मी असले वाचून खरेच अस्वस्थ होतो कारण मी कितीही स्वार्थी, आत्मकेंद्रित असलो तरी असा विचार दारू पिताना देखील माझ्या मनाला शिवला नव्हता! माझा स्वार्थ निव्वळ बाटली भोवती फिरत असे.
शिवाय याच संदर्भात मला आणखी प्रश पडतात की, दुस-याला झाडावर चढण्याची कला अवगत नसेल कशावरून? असो. हे आपल्या(माझ्या) तरी डोक्यापलीकडे आहे! मी आजच्या इनपुट च्या अनुषंगाने माझ्या दिवास्वप्नांबाबत विचार करू लागतो तेंव्हा व्यसनकाळात (हा शब्द इथे प्रत्येकजण वापरतो :जसे व्यसन सोडून दहा बारा वर्षे झालीत!) काय काय दिवास्वप्न पाहायचो? तर मी जेंव्हा जेंव्हा दवाखान्यात दाखल होऊन घरी यायचो तेंव्हा क्षणिक पश्चातापाने दारू दोन/तीन दिवस बंद करायचो तेंव्हा घरचे आणि ओळखीचे चार लोक म्हणायचे, बाळ्या, एक तर तू चोवीस तास दारू पितोस, आणि नाही पीत तेंव्हा सतत दारूबद्दल बोलतोस!  

तर 'शराबी' सिनेमात बच्चन जेंव्हा 'बोलबच्चन' करून घर सोडून जायला निघतो तेंव्हा प्राण (त्याचा बाप ) त्याला सुनावतो की, 'लगता है तुमने घटिया शराब पीनी शुरू कर दि है."
त्याचप्रमाणे शराब घटिया असो वा चांगली पण 'सोच' नक्कीच 'घटिया' होते. हे नक्की.
सतत दारू या संदर्भात त्यावेळी हर्षद मेहताचा शेअर घोटाळा प्रसिद्ध होता तेंव्हा, या पैशांचे तीस हजार कोटी (अजूनही तीसवर किती शून्य बारा की अकरा? असा प्रश्न पडतो म्हणून अक्षरी लिहिले!) तुला मिळाले तर तू काय करशील? मी सांगायचो, घरावर एक मोठी टाकी बसवेन आणि ती हातभट्टीने भरून टाकीन! वास्तविक इतक्या पैशात दारूच भरायची तर किमान शिवास रिगल वगैरे तर भरायची! पण नाही! हातभट्टीच भरायची तर त्याला तीस हजार कोटी कशाला? आता तरी किमान हि घटिया सोच दिवास्वप्नात तरी बदलावी म्हणतो! 

नमस्कार,
तुमचा स्वतःबद्दलचा awareness खूप amazing आहे. मी तुम्हाला काय सांगावे?...
गोष्ट खूप भारी आहे लक्षात राहील.  regarding future  तुमचा जो self talk आहे तो बदलावा असं मला वाटतं. एका गोष्टीत तुमची clarity खूप आहे की, काय नसावं किंवा काय करू नये. यापुढे नक्की ठरवा की मला काय करणं शक्य आहे व त्यातलं मला काय भावेल? मग आपण त्यावर बोलू.
विसंगती हा विनोदाचा भाग आहे हे तुम्ही म्हणता पण आयुष्यात आपलं बोलणं व वागणं यामध्ये विसंगती येऊ लागली तर फार अवघड जातं. (specially interpersonal relationship मध्ये) तुम्ही जे म्हणता की दारू एक तर आयुष्यात नाहीतर विचारांत असायची आता काय परिस्थिती आहे? त्याला स्थान दुय्यम आहे का , अजून खालचं? हे प्रश्न स्वतःला विचारा...
तुम्हाला खूप जवळचे काय आहे?
तुम्हाला खूप जवळचे कोण आहे?
आयुष्यात सर्वच गोष्टींबद्दल indifference  जाणवतो. त्याबद्दल काय stand  आहे? आपण बोलू.

वैशाली मॅडम

07/06/2010

मी Qt मध्ये इतकं काय लिहितो आणि मी काय लिहू असे आताच एकाने विचारले. मी म्हणालो, रोजचे विचार, जमेल तसे आपले रडगाणे!..मला अमुक वाटते..मी तमुक करणार आहे, मला असं..वाटतं..वगैरे..लिहायचं जे मनात येईल ते किंवा लिहावे वाटेल ते! पुन्हा विचारलं की रिमार्क्स वर काय लिहायचं? मी म्हणालो, उत्तर म्हणून नाही मात्र त्यावर विचार करायचा. शक्यतो त्यावर लिहायचं नाही. कारण मग ते तेवढ्या पुरतंच मर्यादित राहते.
कारण पूर्वी जेंव्हा मी अर्ध्या मिनिटात रिमार्क्स वाचून एका मिनिटात त्यावर मत नोंदवी तेंव्हा बहुधा त्यात तक्रारीचा सूर असे. म्हणजे मला ते म्हणणे मान्य कसे नाही मी म्हणतो तेच कसे समर्थनीय आहे हे लिहायचो.
पण माझ्या मते त्यावर नीट विचार करणे हेच सरेंडर असावे. आणि चटकन विचार न करता प्रतिक्रिया दिल्यास 'उच्चशक्ती' या संकल्पनेलाच तडा जातो. आताच शेकडो विषय असतात पण मुद्देसूद काही लिहिता येत नाही. मग त्यावेळी घटनांचा आधार घेऊन संदर्भ देत लिहावे लागते. त्यानुसार विचार व तात्कालिक विचार यांची सांगड घालावी लागते. 

शनिवारी मिटींगमध्ये भूतकालीन संदर्भ घेऊन काय त्रास होतो व त्यावर स्वतः काय उपाय करतो त्यावेळी जास्त वेळ घेऊ नये म्हणून सिनेमाचे उदाहरण दिले. पण प्रत्येक गोष्ट भूतकाळाशी रिलेट करण्याची सवय लागल्याने आणि विसंगती हा विनोदाचा स्थायीभाव आहे तेंव्हा थोडाफार त्यादृष्टीने त्याकडे बघतो. उदाहरणच द्यायचे तर स्लीपची कारणीमीमांसा  करताना सावतःशी म्हणतो, की इतकं स्लीप्चे करणे व परिणाम लिहिण्याऐवजी त्या त्या वेळी परीक्षेत १ल्या /२-या महायुद्धाची करणे-परिणाम लिहिली असतीस तर निदान फर्स्ट क्लास मिळाला असता. दुसरा मुद्दा असा की, फटकळपणा..
माझ्या टेबलावर शेजारी एक काका आहेत. ते म्हणतात, 'हे बघ प्रवीण कुत्रे माझ्याशी इथे, घरी बोलतात..खेळतात..' पुढे ते कांही सांगणार तोच त्यांना अडवून मी म्हणालो, 'ते तसं नाही..कुत्रे बोलतात हे असं नाही.. तर आपण बोलण्यासाठी माणसेच शिल्लक ठेवली नाहीत!' (कदाचित कुत्रे देखील त्यांच्या भाषेत म्हणत असावेत की ;साला काय ताप आहे?!) विशेष म्हणजे त्यांना देखील हे पटते! तीच दुसरी बाब त्यांच्याशीच निगडीत..कुणीतरी कोण कधीपासून पितो यावरून हे 'काका' म्हणाले मी ८८सलि पहिल्यांदा एका केंद्रात दाखल झालो.. म्हणजे आमची नुकतीच सुरुवात होती! त्यावेळी मी फटकन म्हणालो... आता बस करा..गोव-या मसणात गेल्या...'
ते ओशाळून हसले पण त्यावेळी मी देखील खजील झालो कारण त्यांच्या वयाच्या मानाने त्यांना केंद्र पाहून बावीस एक वर्षे झाली पण तुला देखील दहा वर्ष झालीच की! उद्या आणखी दहा वर्षांनी कदाचित हेच समोरच्या खुर्चीत बसून तुला कोणी ऐकविल! किंवा माझ्यासारखाच मला सुनवायचा!
तर असे अनेक छोटे प्रसंग भूतकाळाकडे बघण्यास त्यातून शिकण्यास प्रेरणा देतात.

04/06/2010

आज थोडं बोअर होत होतं म्हणून बुद्धीबळ खेळलो. मला तशी बुद्धिबळात फार गती आहे अशातला भाग नाही, पण त्यात माझे अविचार आणि असंयम जाणवतात. कारण खेळ अगदी रमी असो वा बुद्धीबळ, हे मी खेळाच्या बाहेर राहून उत्तम आकलन करीत असतो. त्रासेच ते इतरही करतात. त्यांना खेळाडूपेक्षा जास्त कळतं. कारण खेळणारा "मी" हा नेहमी एखाद्याच सोंगटी अथवा मोहरा किंवा चालीवर लक्ष केंद्रित करतो. त्यावेळी समोरचा (माझ्यादृष्टीने) अनपेक्षित खेळी खेळतो. माझे नुकसान बाहेरच्याला दिसते, ते हळहळतात, की याचा वजीर मारला गेला वगैरे. पण या बाहेरच्याला जाणवतं ते मला जाणवत नाही कारण माझे विचार किंवा खेळातील डावपेच निराळेच असतात. आणि समोरचा ते उलटवतो, तेंव्हा साहजिकच अपेक्षाभंग होतो. माझ्या मते, घराचे अथवा कौन्सिलर्स हे बाहेरून बघणारे सारखे असतात. त्यामुळे हा लेखनप्रपंच करावा लागतो. असो.
मी मागच्या रीलॅप्स  आणि त्याच्या कारणांची तपासणी केली तर घटना (मी त्यांना कारण मानतो हे मी अविवेकी आहे हे सिद्ध होते!) वेगळ्या असल्या तरी त्यामागे 'अपेक्षाभंग' हेच मूळ होते. मग त्यावेळी "आशा" हे सर्व दु:खांचे मूळ आहे हे माहित नव्हते काय? तर तसेही नाही. पण यावेळी मी म्हणालो तर reaction ला वेळ कमी होता, तरी पिणार नव्हतो हे निश्चित. पण एकाच चेतनेला एकाच प्रतिसाद देण्याची जणू सवयच लागलेली आहे. ती बदलवण्याचा प्रयत्न करावा लागेल असे वाटते. कारण मागच्या वेळी काहीही झाले तरी दारूचा प्रतिसाद देणार नाही असे म्हणालो खरा मात्र तेच केले!
ret किंवा अन्य तंत्र वापरण्याची प्रगल्भता अजून कदाचित आली नसावी. (भावनात्मक विकास वगैरे जड शब्द इथे मुद्दाम टाकत नाही. कारण मग, तुम्ही विचाराल, ;तुझा भावनात्मक विकास झाला नाही हे तुला कसे कळले? हे आम्ही सांगायचे असते!) काही असले तरी माझ्या व्यसनाधीनतेच्या संदर्भात बराच (म्हणजे किती?) स्वतःशी विचार केला होता. पण विचार करणे म्हणजे तरी काय? उमराणी सर म्हणतात तसे कदाचित सुप्त विचार असेलही. पण आता थोडे सावध राहायला हवे असे वाटते कारण एका वाचलेल्या संदर्भात एका निर्जन स्थळी दोन मनुष्य असतात, एक म्हणतो हळदीचा रंग काळा असतो..दुसरा ऐकण्यास तयार नसतो. दुसरा ऐकण्यास तयार नाही तर साक्ष कुणाची काढणार? तू वर्षानुवर्षे पिवळी हळद पहिली आहेस तेंव्हा तू रंगाधळा नसशील कशावरून? तेंव्हा शहाण्या माणसासारखे 'असेलही-नसेलही' म्हणायला शिकले पाहिजे. 
सर्व विचार व भावनांवर माझे नियंत्रण असायलाच हवे हा अनाठायी अट्टाहास सोडला पाहिजे. त्या मुळे नुकसान झाले आहे.
हे सर्व लिहिताना मी इथे 'कृपा' मधून पेशंट घरी गेल्यावर कसे वागतील ret आणि मानसशास्त्रीय भाषे कसे बोलतील,  असे लिहिले होते, मात्र मी देखील हल्ली थोडं तसा वागू लागलो आहे! (हे सविस्तर लिहीन) मी इथून गेल्यावर 'कृपा'च्या मिटिंग जाणीवपूर्वक नियमित केल्या. तेंव्हा घरी बोलताना साहजिकच, 'मॅडम असे म्हणतात, सर असे म्हणाले असा संदर्भ येतो!" इतकेच काय संदर्भ काही असो कधी पूर्ण वाक्य देखील (नक्कल न करता) म्हणतो!
घरी 'मानसिक व्यायाम'(!) म्हणून मिथुन, धर्मेंद्र यांचे सी ग्रेड सिनेमे नेट वर लावून बहिणीला संगे, 'आता बघ हं, पहिल्या दहा ते पंधरा मिनिटात सर्व १२  irrational believe काढून दाखवतो!
आता कधीकधी असे चित्र डोळ्यासमोर येते, (कारण आता दिवास्वप्नात राहायचे नाही तर कल्पनाशक्तीला थोडी चालना तरी दिली पाहिजे!)
तर असे चित्र तयार करा की, असे भिकार, टुकार चित्रपट तुम्ही, मॅडम, सर कसे बघाल? मुळात ते तुम्ही सहन कसे कराल? त्यासाठी छान चित्रपट....मिथुन चक्रवर्ती  चे सर्व!! 


नमस्कार,
तुमचा QT वाचायला खूप आवडतं. तुम्ही म्हणता ते अगदी बरोबर आहे. की मी सतत rational च राहायला, विचार करायला हवं हा देखील अट्टाहास आहे तसं असण्याची गरज नाही.कारण त्याचेही दडपण येतं. यामुळे स्वतःच्या भावना, त्यांचे चढ-उतार विचार (rational as well irrational ) हे आहेत तसे accept करणे हे rational वागणे आहे. स्वतःच्या मर्यादा मान्य करणं हेही गरजेचं आहे. आज आपण पहिले की demanding हे खरोखरीच emotional disturbance च मूळ आहे. उरलेले तीन हे त्यातूनच होतं असे अल्बर्ट एलीस म्हणतो. तर तुम्हीच नव्हे तर बहुतांश लोकांना हा problem असतो.
by the way मी व करकरे मॅडम टुकार सिनेमे regularly बघतो. सहन करतो!!

वैशाली मॅडम 

यह तो मधुशाला है : ओशो यह तो सब माया है?

तेरे वादे पे ऐतबार किया - दाग़ देहलवी

• 
  

ग़ज़ब किया, तेरे वादे पे ऐतबार किया
तमाम रात क़यामत का इन्तज़ार किया

हंसा हंसा के शब-ए-वस्ल अश्क-बार किया
तसल्लिया मुझे दे-दे के बेकरार किया

हम ऐसे मह्व-ए-नज़ारा न थे जो होश आता
मगर तुम्हारे तग़ाफ़ुल ने होशियार किया

फ़साना-ए-शब-ए-ग़म उन को एक कहानी थी
कुछ ऐतबार किया और कुछ ना-ऐतबार किया

ये किसने जल्वा हमारे सर-ए-मज़ार किया
कि दिल से शोर उठा, हाए! बेक़रार किया

तड़प फिर ऐ दिल-ए-नादां, कि ग़ैर कहते हैं
आख़िर कुछ न बनी, सब्र इख्तियार किया

भुला भुला के जताया है उनको राज़-ए-निहां
छिपा छिपा के मोहब्बत के आशकार किया

तुम्हें तो वादा-ए-दीदार हम से करना था
ये क्या किया कि जहाँ के उम्मीदवार किया

ये दिल को ताब कहाँ है कि हो मालन्देश
उन्हों ने वादा किया हम ने ऐतबार किया

न पूछ दिल की हक़ीकत मगर ये कहते हैं
वो बेक़रार रहे जिसने बेक़रार किया

कुछ आगे दावर-ए-महशर से है उम्मीद मुझे
कुछ आप ने मेरे कहने का ऐतबार किया

collection : pravin kulkarni 

Accepting Powerlessness

Content
What is powerlessness?
What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal powerlessness?
How is accepting powerlessness a control issue?
What is the irrational thinking that leads to denial of powerlessness?
How to learn to admit powerlessness
Steps to admitting powerlessness

What is powerlessness?

Powerlessness is the:

Sensation of being out of control with no apparent solution to help you to regain control.

Complete lack of control, authority or status to affect how others will treat or act towards you.

Lack of capability to affect the realities of life out of your control like:

* how others act towards you
* if you will get a job you want
* If you will be accepted to a school you desire to attend
* what the weather will be
* if an accident will occur
* if an act of God will affect you or others, etc.

Lack of ability

* to affect or change the compulsive or addictive behaviors of others which affect you negatively.
* to make others exactly what you want them to be.
* to change past events which have had a negative impact in your current life.
* to insure that all of your dreams and fantasies for the way you want life to be will come true in reality.
* to completely change things you have attempted repeatedly to change with no success.

Presence of impulsive, addictive, compulsive and obsessive behaviors in you which

* up to now you have not been able to get under control
* are causing your life to become unmanageable
* affect your life and
* are out of your control.

Lack of strength, competence or skills to overcome realities in life that have no current apparent solution, such as

* the cure for AIDS and cancer
* complete recovery from cerebral palsy
* bringing back to life a loved one who has died, etc.

Recognition that there are for you people, problems and things that are uncontrollable and unchangeable, and are out of your power to control or affect.

What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal powerlessness?
If you do not accept powerlessness over the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, then you could:

Begin to frustrate yourself in your attempts to gain control and to fix the non-fixable.

Become extremely rigid and dogmatic in your handling of life's problems believing that there is "only one way'' to do things, the "perfect'' way.

Deny the enormity of the things which you do not have power to change and become locked into "fantasy'' or "magical'' thinking that given enough time, energy and resources you can succeed in changing them.

Become so full of self-pride as to believe that only you can be the "savior'' for the ills or problems you are facing.

Become so self-preoccupied that you become incapable of reaching out to ask for others' help and support in facing these problems which are beyond your power and control.

Deny the existence of a Higher Power in your life upon whom you can call for help and assistance.

Lose your faith in the capability of human beings to help out a fellow human who is in need of help and support.

Become so frustrated and depressed in trying to solve the unsolvable problems that you find your temper, anger and rage igniting and flaring up spontaneously, inappropriately and disproportionately.

Feel so defeated by the non-fixable realities of life that you come to believe yourself an inadequate person.
Forget that you are a human being and as such open to failures and mistakes and not the "perfect being'' who is omnipotent and infallible in all things.

Cling onto the people whom you cannot control or change until they one day walk out on you frustrated by your incessant efforts to change, correct or reform them.

Lose perspective of your own limits and not be self-protective of your energy, resources and spirit in your incessant effort to solve the unsolvable.

Increase in a sense of low self-esteem because you are incapable of making everything right and perfect with all people, places and things in your life.

How is accepting powerlessness a control issue?

Accepting powerlessness is a control issue because:

It gives you the ability to retain the "locus of control'' in your hands because you have the right to accept or reject, to reach out or to pull in from others' offers of help.

You are capable of seeking help and support from others to fortify your efforts in this regard, by recognizing that you have addictive, impulsive, compulsive or obsessive behavioral patterns which you are "powerless'' to control or fix on your own.

You recognize the need of the strength and assistance of a Higher Power with whom you can share the solving of your overpowering problems, by letting go of the "pride'' of survivorship that says that "only you'' can solve your own problems, no matter how big they are. In so doing, you give credibility and validity to the belief that there are issues in your life that no matter how long and how much you control them you will never gain full power over because they inevitably will happen. Such items as death, taxes, weather, climatic changes or acts of God are just a few of those things you will never be able to control and thus you are powerless to change.

It is a first step in accepting help for any problems which are stronger than you and are resistant to efforts to correct.

It is the inviting of others into your life to support your need to correct a problem. It is a behavior similar to "helplessness'' but yet qualitatively different because helplessness is really a guise for maintaining control over others whereas

It is an honest appraisal of how much control or power you have over problems, situations, people, places or things.

In recognizing that there is a Higher Power who has a role in your life, you are able to put into a healthy perspective how much energy, resources, personal investment, emotional and physical effort and time you need to contribute to the partnership with your Higher Power to face those problems over which you by yourself are powerless.

You don't like to admit you can't control something on your own and yet unless you do so you will continue to knock your head against a brick wall.

What is the irrational thinking that leads to denial of powerlessness?

Here are some examples of irrational thinking that leads you to deny powerlessness over the out of control people, places, things and personal behaviors in your life:

* You must be able to have control over everything in your life.
* It is a sign of weakness to admit your inability to control or change things.
* You should be able to solve your own problems on your own.
* What would people think if you reached out for help to deal with the aspects of your life which are out of control?
* You should be able to work things out on your own, once you realize what the problem is.
* There is no problem too great that it can't be solved.
* God never gives you a problem too great that you can't handle it on your own.
* You are a real "wimp'' or "wuss'' if you can't deal with it on your own.
* People are able to handle everything in life. That is why they were given intelligence, creativity and imagination.
* It is a sign of moral weakness if you are not able to get your impulsive, addictive, compulsive or obsessive behaviors under control.
* You are a "bad person'' if you are powerless to change your behaviors on your own.
* You are not supposed to ask for help from others when you are dealing with your weak character flaws.
* When you ask for help, you always become dependent on others to solve your problems for you.
* Certain behaviors have a genetic basis and it is best to ignore them so that they don't occur in your life.
* Ignore your problems and they will go away.
* An impulse is an easy thing to get under control.
* You are morally weak if you have an addictive behavior problem.
* The only way to change sick behaviors is to work at it on your own.
* If you don't face your problems, they don't exist for the moment.
* Admitting you are a human being when facing problems is admitting defeat.
* You should be able to handle every challenge in your life on your own.

How to learn to admit powerlessness

When you are troubled by personal behaviors or by uncontrollable and unchangeable people, places, things and situations in your life, you can follow these steps so as to admit your powerlessness over them to enable you to get help from others to deal with them.

First Identify what behavior, person, place, thing or situation is causing you problems and making your life unmanageable.

Second: Identify what it is about this problem that makes you feel powerless.

Third: Identify what irrational beliefs keeps you from admitting being powerless over the problem.

Fourth: Replace this irrational thinking with healthy, rational, more realistic thinking about powerlessness such as the following positive self-affirmations.

* I am a human being and deserve support from others in my efforts to address problems over which I currently feel powerless.
* I deserve support and help to address these problems for my self-growth.
* It is human to feel powerless since only God is all powerful and omnipotent.
* I will get closer to recovery from my problems once I admit my inability to solve them on my own.
* It is OK to feel powerlessness over my problems as long as I reach out to my Higher Power and others for assistance and support.
* I can solve problems that come my way as long as I am willing to admit my inability to solve them on my own and seek help to deal with them
* I gain more in life by letting go of control over those things that are out of my power to control.
* I gain serenity in life by admitting what I am powerless to change and control.
* I am a human and not God, and that's OK.
* Help is only given to those who ask for it.
* I can reach out for help when I am powerless to solve a problem on my own.
* I will seek help from my Higher Power and others when I feel powerless to solve a problem on my own.

Fifth: Once you have affirmed your right to admit powerlessness over the problem, then reach out to others to seek their support and assistance.

Sixth: Simultaneous with reaching out for help from others to deal with the problem, seek your Higher Power's assistance by the following:

* Handing over the uncontrollable and unchangeable elements of the problem to your Higher Power.
* Asking your Higher Power for the strength, wisdom and courage to deal with the controllable and changeable elements of the problem.

Seventh: Once you gain help and support from others and your Higher Power, conscientiously and assiduously take steps to address the changeable elements which you have the power and ability to change.

Eighth: Recognize that progress will be slow and erratic at first in changing personal behaviors of an impulsive, addictive, compulsive or obsessive nature. Give yourself enough time to change, taking one day at a time.

Ninth: Admit to yourself that, in changing personal behaviors or habits, relapse into the old behaviors is a fact of life. Give yourself permission to be a human and to experience a relapse into old behavior and then get back onto the wagon of recovery. Don't end your efforts to change if you should experience a slippage into old patterns or habits of acting. Do not seek perfection in recovery. Admit that you are not a "perfect being'' and that you don't have to recover perfectly all at one time.

Tenth: Monitor your progress in solving your problem and handling relapses of old behaviors. Try not to take on more than you can handle by remembering:

* Take one thing at a time
* Step by step
* Easy does it
* First things first
* Day by day
* Hour by hour
* Minute by minute
* Progress is slow but steady
* You are the determiner of pace
* You are in charge of your destiny
* Rome wasn't built in a day
* It took a long time to get you into this and it will take a long time to get out

Eleventh: If you are again overwhelmed by your efforts to solve this problem, admit your powerlessness and gain support and assistance to persist and not give up your efforts.

Twelfth: If you are not experiencing success in solving this problem, the chances are you have not fully admitted your powerlessness to change, control or solve it on your own. Return to the first step and begin over again.

Steps to admitting powerlessness

Step 1: In order to admit powerlessness, you first need to recognize what is causing your life to be unmanageable. Consider this following list:

Things that cause one's life to become unmanageable because the person is powerless over them:
* People
* Places
* Things
* Situations
* Personal behaviors:
o Impulsive behaviors a thing you do right away with no pre-thought or hesitation.
o Addictive behaviors a thing you do with no thought at all which is a habit and out of control.
o Compulsive behaviors a thing you do with little thought, over and over again and it is hard to control.
o Obsessive behaviors a thing you do over and over again because you don't believe it is perfectly done unless it is corrected and modified over and over again.

In your journal for each of the categories listed above consider these questions:
A. What is problematical about it?
B. Why is it problematical for you?
C. Why is it causing your life to be unmanageable?
D. What efforts have you used in the past or are you currently trying to use to correct it?
E. Why have your efforts to solve, change or control failed to this point?
F. How do you feel about your lack of success at solving, controlling or changing it?
G. Whose help, assistance or support have you enlisted to solve it?
H. To what extent is it an uncontrollable or unchangeable element in your life?
I. To what extent is it a controllable or changeable element in your life?
J. Why have you not let go of the unchangeable or uncontrollable elements of it before this time?

Step 2: Once you identify your problems, then identify in your journal the thinking which still keeps you from admitting you are powerless to solve each one of these on your own.

Step 3: In your journal develop a set of new self-talk or self-affirmations to give you permission to admit your powerlessness over each of these problems.

Step 4: In your journal identify for each problem a person from whom to seek support, assistance and help to address it.

Step 5: In your journal identify how you would seek your Higher Power's assistance for each problem.

Step 6: Seek help from others for each problem. Let go or hand over the uncontrollable and unchangeable problems to your Higher Power and seek assistance from your Higher Power for the controllable and changeable elements.

Step 7: Monitor your progress in addressing these problems. If you are having little or no success, you probably have not fully admitted powerlessness over solving them on your own, so return to Step 1 and begin again

Accepting Change

Content
What is Change?
What feelings do people have when facing the possibility of change in their lives?
How do people who avoid change act?
What are some irrational beliefs we have about change?
What are some benefits to be gained by adjusting to change?
Action steps for accepting change


What is Change?
Change is:
* A break in the normal routine.
* A threat to our security.
* An alteration in our current life-style.
* The unknown, the ambiguous, the uncertainty one must face after a loss.
* The challenging of old beliefs, attitudes and values after a loss occurs.
* The modification of current patterns of social interaction and conduct in adjusting to an altered life after a loss occurs.
* A challenge to the status quo.
* Unsettling the calm and peace previously established.
* The requirement to shift one's way of reacting to a loss.
* The process by which a system reshapes or reforms itself in returning to a stable, functional condition.
* An undesirable reality for individuals who have suffered from an unpredictable home life with continuous reshuffling.
* A motivator for individuals to review the way they are living their lives and relating to others; a chance to improve their relationships and their quality of life.
* Altering the sense and order we have maintained in life.
* Shifting of priorities to make new order and sense out of the consequences of the change.
* An unbalancing in which we are unsure of ourselves and unsure of our ability to adjust.
* A requirement for us to call on our inner, untapped resources to adjust and cope with the results.
* Often a requirement for us to call on others to help us adjust and cope with the consequences.
* Perceived with fear and dread because of its unknown and ambiguous nature.
*A continuous process of readjusting and refining relationships and ways of acting.
*A way of life for people who thrive on crisis and disarray. Some people need continuous change in order to feel vital and alive.
* A process required to improve our current level of functioning.
* The desired outcome of all therapeutic processes in which people are addressing personal, emotional and/or physical problems.

What feelings do people have when facing the possibility of change in their lives?
Fear, discouragement, anxiety, insecurity, caution, anger, confusion, anticipation, inhibited disappointment, concern, unsettled depression, avoidance, uncomfortable dread, excitement.

How do people who avoid change act?
People who actively avoid change in their lives:
* Act in a cautious manner in all aspects of their lives, personal and professional.
* Are very security oriented and seek a set or patterned way of life for themselves.
* Resist discussions that will focus on areas needing change in their lives.
* Withdraw from situations that might result in a need for change.
* Deny the need for altered behavior resulting from a loss.
* Get angry with the people in their lives who confront them with the need for change in order to adjust to a loss.
* Fantasize how life has remained the same despite a loss and ignore any signs of the need for change.
* Are willing to do anything in order to avoid necessary changes in their lives.
* Associate only with people who support their beliefs and value systems, which deny the need for change.
* Exhibit four of the five stages of loss: denial, bargaining, anger and despair.

What are some irrational beliefs we have about change?
* Change is bad.
* I could never adjust to that change.
* Change is unfair.
* Things in my life should always remain the same.
* I've experienced too much change in my life, and I don't want anymore change!
* If I ignore it, it will go away.
* There must be something I can do to avoid this change.
* Why did this have to happen to me?
* I am never happy and relaxed at the same time; I need change to keep me alive.
* There is no need to change my current life-style, even though I've experienced this loss.
* It only hurts for a little while
* You should adjust to all changes easily.
* Security in life is creating an unchanging environment for oneself.
* My life will fall apart if I change like that
* There is only one way I want my life to be.
* Life should be easy!
* Change should be avoided at all cost.
* I don't need to change; the others involved in my life need to change.
* You must always lose a part of yourself in order to adjust to a change.
* You can have stability in your life only by avoiding the continuous adjustments to change.

What are some benefits to be gained by adjusting to change?
* Appropriate coping and development of adaptive behavior patterns required by the loss.
* Individual, personal, social and emotional growth.
* Increased personal, marital, family or work productivity.
* Restoration of a sense of order and purpose to life.
* A "getting on" with our life with a minimum of delay, confusion or complication resulting from the avoidance of change.
* Identification of a set of internal resources and strengths perhaps not previously evident in ourselves.
* A conservation of our personal energy by channeling it into necessary and desirable activities in the adjustment to change.
*Avoiding fearful, paranoid or frightened behavior in activities that might result in change.
* A relaxed point of view about the realities of life and open acceptance of the inevitability of change and adaptation for the future.
* A realistic establishment of goals for ourselves and others that fit within the parameters of the resulting change.
*Giving ourselves a chance to use our positive qualities and attributes to their fullest, validating our self-worth and goodness.
*An improvement of our mental health by reducing stress induced by the need for adapting to change.

Action steps for accepting change
Step 1. Determine what change is most likely to occur after a specific loss. In determining what the change is, answer the following questions:
* When will this change take place?
* How will the change affect my interpersonal relationships?
* What material things in my life will be affected by this change?
* How will my work be affected by this change?
* How will this change affect myself or my personality?
* What are the benefits to me of fully accepting this change?
* What are the consequences if I do not fully accept this change?
* How will this change affect my family and/or marriage?
* What information do I need in order to openly accept this change.
* What personal beliefs, opinions, attitudes or behavior will need to be adapted in order for my full acceptance of this change?

Step 2. Once you have answered the questions in Step 1, describe the change with which you are dealing as a result of the specific loss.

Step 3. Now that you know what the change is, create a visual image of yourself six months from now after having fully accepted the change. In this visualization picture yourself as successfully coping with the change. Include the following variables into your visual image:
* People involved
* Material objects involved
* Your work, if involved
* Your family and/or spouse, if involved
* You as a person: how you are feeling, how you are acting and your success in the new, changed circumstance

Step 4. Use the visual image of your successful acceptance of change in a process of self-instruction.
Self-instruction involves the following events:
*Get yourself into a relaxed state by using both muscle relaxation and deep breathing.
*Once you are relaxed, begin to visualize the image of successful acceptance of change.
* As you observe this image, tell yourself how you can achieve this changed life.
*Tell yourself you deserve this successful conclusion to your loss.
* Keep observing this image in a relaxed state for up to 30 minutes.
* When you are ready to end the visual image, count backward from five, and arise with a commitment to full acceptance of the change and the successful life adaptation you just visualized.
Repeat this visual imagery at least once a day until you begin to believe and act in a way that reflects your full acceptance of the change in your life and your adaptation to it.

Step 5. If you are still unable to accept or adapt to the change, perhaps you never realized exactly what the change would be. Perhaps you are immobilized due to your resistance to change. In either case, repeat Steps 1 through 5 until you have gained acceptance of the change.

Accepting Personal Responsibility

Content
What is accepting personal responsibility?
How can failing to accept personal responsibility result in negative consequences?
What do people believe who have not accepted personal responsibility?
What behavior traits need to be developed in order to accept personal responsibility?
What are the steps in accepting personal responsibility?

What is accepting personal responsibility?
Accepting personal responsibility includes:
* Acknowledging that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.
* Accepting that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think.
* Accepting that you choose the direction for your life.
* Accepting that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.
* Tearing down the mask of defense or rationale for why others are responsible for who you are, what has happened to you and what you are bound to become.
* The rational belief that you are responsible for determining who your are, and how your choices affect your life.
* Pointing the finger of responsibility back to yourself and away from others when you are discussing the consequences of your actions.
*Realizing that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.
* Recognizing that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy for you to depend on others to make you feel good about yourself.
* Recognizing that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop.
* Not feeling sorry for the "bum deal" you have been handed but taking hold of your life and giving it direction and reason.
* Letting go of your sense of over responsibility for others.
* Protecting and nurturing your health and emotional well being.
* Taking preventive health oriented steps of structuring your life with time management, stress management, confronting fears and burnout prevention.
* Taking an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues and positive points.
* Developing positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your personal development and growth.
* Letting go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background and awareness.
* Working out anger, hostility, pessimism and depression over past hurts, pains, abuse, mistreatment and misdirection.

How can failing to accept personal responsibility result in negative consequences?
When you have not accepted personal responsibility, you can run the risk of becoming:
* Overly dependent on others for recognition, approval, affirmation and acceptance.
* Chronically hostile, angry or depressed over how unfairly you have been or are being treated.
* Fearful about ever taking a risk or making a decision.
* Overwhelmed by disabling fears.
* Unsuccessful at the enterprises you take on in life.
* Unsuccessful in personal relationships.
* Emotionally or physically unhealthy.
* Addicted to unhealthy substances, such as the abuse of alcohol, drugs, food or unhealthy behavior such as excessive gambling, shopping, sex, smoking, work, etc.
* Over responsible and guilt ridden in your need to rescue and enable others in your life.
* Unable to develop trust or to feel secure with others.
* Resistant to vulnerability.

What do people believe who have not accepted personal responsibility?
* It's not my fault I am the way I am.
* I never asked to be born.
* Now that you have me, what are you going to do with me?
* I want you to fix me.
* Life is unfair! There is no sense in trying to take control of my life.
* Why go on; I see no use in it.
* You can't help me, nobody can help me. I'm useless and a failure.
* God has asked too much of me this time. There is no way I'll ever be able to handle this.
* When do the troubles and problems cease? I'm tired of all this.
* Stop the world; I want to get off.
* Life is so depressing. If only I had better luck and had been born to a healthier family, or attended a better school, or gotten a better job, etc.
* How can you say I am responsible for what happens to me in the future? There is fate, luck, politics, greed, envy, wicked and jealous people, and other negative influences that have a greater bearing on my future than I have.
* How can I ever be happy, seeing how bad my life has been?
* My parents made me what I am today!
* The problems in my family have influenced who I am and what I will be; there is nothing I can do to change that.
* Racism, bigotry, prejudice, sexism, ageism and closed-mindedness all stand in the way of my becoming what I really want to be.
* No matter how hard I work, I will never get ahead.
* You have to accept the luck of the draw.
* I am who I am; there is no changing me.
* No one is going to call me crazy, depressed or troubled and then try to change me.
Terms used to describe those who have not accepted personal responsibility include martyrs, self-pitying, depressed, losers, quitters, chronically angry, dependent personalities, complainers, addictive personalities, blamers, stubborn, persons in denial, troubled people, stuck, fearful, pessimists, despondent, mentally unstable, obstinate, hostile, aggressive, irresponsible, weak, guilt-ridden, resistant to help, passive, irrational, insecure, neurotic, obsessed and lost.

What behavior traits need to be developed in order to accept personal responsibility?
In order to accept personal responsibility you need to develop the ability to:
* Seek out and to accept help for yourself.
* Be open to new ideas or concepts about life and the human condition.
* Refute irrational beliefs and overcome fears.
* Affirm yourself positively.
* Recognize that you are the sole determinant of the choices you make.
* Recognize that you choose your responses to the people, actions and events in your life.
* Let go of anger, fear, blame, mistrust and insecurity.
* Take risks and to become vulnerable to change and growth in your life.
* Take off the masks of behavior characteristics behind which you hide low self-esteem.
* Reorganize your priorities and goals.
* Realize that you are the party in charge of the direction your life takes.

What are the steps in accepting personal responsibility?
Step 1: To decide if you are having problems accepting personal responsibility, answer the following questions in your journal:
a. How frequently do you claim that others have determined what you are today?
b. How easy is it to accept that you are responsible for your choices in life?
c. How easy it is to believe that you determine the direction your life takes?
d. How easy is it to blame others for where you are today?
e. What masks do you hide behind to avoid accepting personal responsibility?
f. How rational are you in dealing with the part you played in being who you are today?
g. How easy is it to accept blame or admit mistakes?
h. How easy is it to accept that you determine your feelings when negative events occur?
i. How easy is it to depend solely on yourself for acceptance, affirmation and approval?
j. How willing are you to be the sole determinant of the health of your self-esteem?
k. How frequently do you feel sorry for yourself?
l. How easy is it to let go of guilt if you stop rescuing those in your life?
m. How willingly do you take preventive steps to ensure your physical and emotional health?
n. How successfully have you practiced self-affirmation in your life?
o. How successfully have you practiced anger work out and letting go in order to get on with your life?

Step 2: Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 as to the level of personal responsibility you have accepted in each of the following areas:
1 = always irresponsible
2 = usually irresponsible
3 = irresponsibility balanced out with responsibility (neutral)
4 = usually responsible
5 = always responsible
Rating Area in Life:
___ a. Taking the preventive and maintenance measures to ensure physical health

___ b. Taking the preventive and maintenance measures to ensure emotional health

___ c. Controlling weight and over-eating

___ d. Stopping smoking, excessive drinking and drug abuse

___ e. Controlling excessive gambling, shopping and sexual behavior

___ f. Controlling workaholism

___ g. Taking preventive and maintenance measures to ensure healthy relationships

___ h. Taking the necessary steps to overcome my current problems and troubles

___ i. Taking the necessary steps to protect myself from being victimized by my rescuing and enabling of others

___ j. Managing my time, managing the stress in my life, overcoming my fears and preventing burnout in my life

Score: A rating of 3 or less in any of the areas indicates a need to accept personal responsibility.

Step 3: Identify your beliefs that prevent acceptance of responsibility for yourself. Develop new, rational, replacement beliefs to help you accept responsibility for yourself.

Step 4: You are now ready to develop a plan of action. For each area of your life, identify that tools you will use to accept personal responsibility. The following Tools for Coping tools are available to help you determine your action plan: The Tools for Coping Tool Box.
Handling Irrational Beliefs
* Self-Affirmations
* Handling Guilt
* Building Trust
* Handling Insecurity
* Becoming Vulnerable
* Overcoming Fears
* On Becoming a Risk Taker
* Spirituality
* Time Management
* Stress Reduction
* Preventing Burnout
* Overcoming Perfectionism
Write your plan of action in your journal. Date and sign it. You are now ready to begin accepting personal responsibility.

Step 5: If you still have trouble in accepting responsibility for yourself, return to Step 1 and begin again.

People-Pleasing Personality

Content
Appearance to the world of the people-pleasing personality
Feelings inside persons with the people-pleasing personality traits
Negative consequences of people-pleasing behaviors
Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits
Turning negative people-pleasing traits into positive potential

Appearance to the world of the people-pleasing personality

* Very organized
* Easily liked
* Placators or appeasers
* Friendly, outgoing, gregarious
* Helpful, supportive
* Courteous and considerate of others
* Always smiling
* Interested in others' welfare
* Cooperative; real "team players''
* Generous with own time and energy
* Ready to volunteer
* Accept delegation easily
* "Company men''; very loyal
* Ready to take on any new challenge that comes along
* Work hard at pleasing others
* Talented, skillful, and creative
* A pleasure to spend time with
* Happy, joyful, full of fun
* Encouraging and reassuring
* Go along with requests made by others
* People mixers
* Assets in any conversation
* "Together,'' warm, and caring persons
* People sought out for friendship; popular socially

Feelings inside persons with the people-pleasing personality traits

* Fear of loss of approval
* Fear of rejection
* Fear of loss of personal identity
* Fear of loss of personal worth
* Denial of problems
* Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights
* Feeling lonely and isolated from others
* Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost
* Feeling not "good'' enough
* Feeling undeserving
* Feeling inferior to others
* Concern about satisfying others' demands
* Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge
* Compulsive need to please others
* Unhappy over not pleasing others
* Embarrassed by personal looks or behavior that displeases others
* Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others
* Fear of not "doing best'' for others' sake
* Fear of letting their friends and family down
* Fear of failure
* Fear of it being "found out'' they are not as good as they appear to others
* Fear that others will recognize their failings
* Desire to run away to avoid the stress of "always'' needing to be "good''
* Exhaustion from always trying to be "perfect''
* Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy
* Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives
* Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of
* Feel taken for granted
* Feel like they are being treated like victims
* Feel like the martyr for others
* Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one
* Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized

Negative consequences of people-pleasing behaviors

* Low self-esteem
* Loss of personal identity
* Loss of personal rights
* Being taken advantage of
* Loss of personal time
* Ineffectiveness in managing work
* Inability to direct or supervise others
* Inability to achieve personal goals
* Inability to take a leadership role
* Poor problem solving abilities
* Burnout on the job or at home
* Chronic state of being unappreciated
* Immobilized by irrational beliefs
* Guilt over not accomplishing enough or not being pleasing enough for others
* Inability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships
* Loss of appreciation for self attributes
* Inability to accept kindnesses from others
* Chronic state of self-deprecation
* Chronic state of being hard on self
* Lack of trust in others' sincerity
* Chronic state of insecurity in interacting with others
* Inability to make a decision
* Do not know how to relax

Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits

* I must be liked by everyone.
* I must do nothing to upset others.
* I must work harder to make things better for others.
* They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.
* I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.
* I can never do enough to please them.
* I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.
* How they respond to me is important.
* The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.
* If they don't like me, I'm no good!
* Always put others first! Put yourself last.
* There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.
* People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.
* Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.
* If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.
* It's not who you are but what you do that counts.
* You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.
* If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be accepted.
* No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''
* I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see this about me or they will reject me.

Turning negative people-pleasing traits into positive potential

Negative People-Pleaser Behavior : Positive Potential


Self-sacrificing : This behavior can be converted to rational altruism, in which they are able to be self protective and self rewarding in their "giving'' behavior toward others.

Self-deprecating : This behavior can be converted into realistic self appraisal by their being led to recognize and accept personal strengths, abilities, and attributes. They can be taught that "false humility'' is unhealthy and that it is OK to "toot'' one's horn when appropriate.

Poor decision making ability : This poor decision making can be converted to productive problem solving and effective decision making by allowing themselves the right to hold to their own opinions and to be creative without the fear of what others would say and without fear of retribution. Freeing up their mental energy will result in increased productivity, creativity, and healthy decision making.

Loss of personal identity : By being able to accept themselves for who they are without fear of recriminations or disapproval, they can become firm in their beliefs as to who they are and what they are capable of doing and becoming.

Martyrdom : Rather than placing themselves in situations in which their rights are ignored and where they are taken advantage of, they can learn to be assertive and begin to protect their rights, ceasing to be victimized by others.

Need for approval : By increasing their habits of self-affirmations and positive self-approval, they can alter both their need for approval and their fear of rejection by being their own best friend, cheerleader, reinforcer, and approver. They have to accept and approve of themselves before others will.

Dependent on others for positive reinforcement : Because they have low self-esteem they reinforcement become so dependent on others for attention, affection, and approval that they become "addicted'' to positive affirmation from others. This can be converted by becoming self caring, self affirming, self accepting, and by becoming emotionally independent from others.

Fear of failure : By recognizing that one's worth is not solely dependent on "doing well,'' "achieving things'' or by doing things to please others, they can let go of the fear of letting people down by failing to achieve self-imposed goals or goals others have set for them. Learning to turn failures into growth enhancing experiences is another way they can let go of this fear.

Unswerving loyalty : Those who find security in being loyal to institutions rather than to themselves can reverse this behavior by recognizing the value of self directed attention and concern for personal health and well being. Being loyal to self results in a holistic sense of wellness of body, mind, and spirit.

Hard on self : This results in self punishing and self restrictive behavior. By letting go of the need to be "good enough'' for everyone else and by letting go of perfectionism in personal efforts, they can lighten up on themselves and learn to enjoy life, to relax, have fun and play, nurturing the inner child in themselves

Handling Resentment

What is resentment?
Resentment is the:
* harboring of animosity against a person or group of people whom I feel has mistreated me.
* unresolved anger I have over a negative event which occurred in my past life.
* seething, aching emotional turmoil I feel whenever a certain person or event is discussed.
* lack of forgiving, the inability to let go and forget.
* root of distrust and suspicion I have when dealing with people or events that brought me pain in the past.
* unresolved grief I experience when I find it difficult to accept a loss.
* result of being heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort and energy to achieve something that eventually was lost to me.
* result of feeling that I was unjustly victimized with no resolution to the problem.
* long-term suffering in silence when an open expression of hurt is unwanted and uninvited.
* cancer robbing me of contentment in life.
* grudge I hold against a person or group of people whom I feel has kept me from achieving.
* feeling offended but silent when I believe that a person or group of people have ignored or denied my rights.
* root of my depression.
How is my resentment manifested?
When I am filled with resentment toward a person or group of people I:
* pout or fume silently in their presence or at the mention of their name.
* get upset when music, a movie or a TV show reminds me of the unpleasant interactions I have had with them.
* speak in a derisive or demeaning way about them.
* have nightmares or distressing thoughts or daydreams about them.
* become stuck in my efforts for personal growth and I don't even know why.
* get furious for no apparent reason.
* get depressed, despondent and find myself going in circles in my attempts to overcome these negative feelings.
* avoid mentioning or discussing anything that relates to my past anger or upset with them.
* grit my teeth and smile when I really want to scream and yell when these people are mentioned to me.
* fake enthusiasm and excitement about being with these people when I'd rather have nothing to do with them.
How does resentment develop?
Resentment can be the outcome of:
* accepting negative treatment from others passively, never expressing negative feelings about it.
* agreeing to do something for others yet feeling that I am being taken for granted or taken advantage of.
* trying to get others to see my point of view while they ignore or deny the truth or wisdom in what I have to say.
* seeing others succeed who have not worked as hard as I have. I feel they don't deserve this measure of success.
* going unrecognized for my good work or competency while others who are more in favor are recognized.
* working hard and having others prevent me from realizing the bounty of my success.
* having someone whom I have tried hard to please reject my efforts of caring and concern.
* an impossible position in a relationship with someone where I am damned if I do and also damned if I don't do what the person wants from me.
* being embarrassed by a person whose goal was to belittle me.
* being consistently rejected, unapproved, unaccepted and abandoned by another.
* being the object of discrimination or prejudice.
* being ignored, put down, scorned and rejected by a person or people for whom I made sacrifices.
* having someone I care about be treated unjustly with my requests to stop such action going ignored.
* trying my best to please someone but no matter how well I did, it was never good enough.
* recognizing that I am the one who always makes the effort in a relationship, and when I stop giving the relationship ceases.
* giving in a relationship hoping to sustain it, but the other person abruptly terminates it.
* never getting the chance to seek reparation for having been victimized.
What are the negative effects of my unresolved resentment?
When I have unresolved resentment I:
* am touchy or on edge when I am reminded of the person or persons I resent.
* usually deny any anger or hatred against those whom I resent.
* am provoked or angered when I see those whom I resent get recognized and reinforced for their achievements.
* am bothered by my hostile, cynical and sarcastic attitude; it becomes a barrier between me and the people with whom I want to establish a healthy relationship.
* get stuck in my efforts to grow as a person.
* reject all efforts to get me to work on forgiving and forgetting past offenses and hurts.
* resist all attempts to get me to get on with my life, including the suggestion that I have unfinished business with people from my past which needs to be addressed.
* find it difficult to open myself up to trust others, especially in new relationships.
* find it hard to believe that I'll ever be recognized for my competency, worth and abilities.
* tend to overcompensate in my efforts to be successful.
What irrational thinking underlies my resentment?
* No matter what I do, it is never good enough, so why try?
* People are out to get me so, I'll reject them before they reject me.
* There is no use in resolving unfinished business with people from my past who mistreated me.
* Everyone is out to get me.
* Hard work, a clean life and treating people fairly is a waste of time; it has never paid off for me.
* There is no way I can forgive or forget my negative past.
* I'll never win at anything I try; I've always lost up until now.
* There are the "haves" and the "have nots," and I'm a have not guaranteed to be a loser.
* My life should at least be fair.
* It is better to grin and bear it; I'll never get anywhere with an open, honest approach.
* What's done is done, so let it be.
* I've never been given a break in the past; why should I expect anything different now?
* It's all a matter of politics: who you know and what you have to bow down to that determines your fate.
* It's who you know rather than what you are that determines your success.
* Why is it that people with fewer talents, who work less and struggle little, always seem to get ahead while I remain stuck.
* The price of hard work and effort seems to be failure and disappointment for me.
* There's always going to be someone who will guarantee that I'll be unsuccessful.
* They are all alike; why try to win them over or be nice to them.
* It will never change; why try to alter the situation between me and them.
* There are always people more talented, prettier and more competent standing in the wings to take my place.
How can I overcome resentment?
Techniques I can use to rid myself of resentment include:
* admitting to myself that there is unresolved resentment behind my hostile, cynical and sarcastic attitude; and deciding to rid myself of it.
* doing private anger work-out toward the people I resent.
* writing a letter in which I detail all of the reasons for my resentment, but not mailing it.
* identifying the "hot buttons" that indicate the presence of resentment in me and working at defusing their impact.
* working at a rational outlook on my past life so that it isn't a chain around my neck in the future.
* listing those for whom I've got resentment and systematically working at forgiving and forgetting their past offenses.
* improving my self-esteem and self-worth; looking only to myself for approval and recognition.
* working with my support network to identify when I slip back into resentment over my past.
* developing self-affirmations and positive self-visualizations to overcome my negative outlook on life.
* re-establishing myself in pursuits in which I excelled, but dropped due to lack of perceived success.
* working at being a winner in what I do best.
* believing in myself to be a winner in life.
Steps in overcoming resentment
Step 1: To overcome any resentment I have against a person or people in my life I first need to identify who they are and what they did to make me resentful. I need to answer the following questions in my journal:
A. Toward whom in my past or present do I hold any level of resentment?
B. What did each of these people do to hurt, offend or victimize me?
C. How real or imagined are these offenses?
D. What has the specific resentment against each of these people done to my attitude about me and my future?
E. How paralyzed am I in my efforts toward personal growth by the resentment I carry toward each of these people?
Step 2: Once I've identified each person I have resentment against and the extent to which this resentment has affected me, I need to develop a new way of looking at my past, present and future life. To do this I need to answer the following questions in my journal:
A. What irrational thinking am I locked into because of my resentment?
B. How will ridding myself of resentment help me to develop a positive belief system in my life?
C. How can I loosen the bonds and open myself in anger work-outs over those I resent?
D. What blocks my attempts to express my anger openly?
E. How hard am I working at overcoming my blocks to anger?
F. What new behavior do I need to develop to freely express my anger and rid myself of energy-draining resentment?
G. What new rational thinking do I need to develop to overcome the negative impact of my resentment?
H. How will my life be positively impacted by getting rid of my resentment?
I. What new behavior do I need to develop to ensure that new resentment doesn't arise?
J. What new attitudes and approaches do I need to develop after ridding myself of resentment?
Step 3: Now that I've considered a change in attitude and belief system, I need to:
A. Write in my journal a letter (I will never mail these letters so I can be as brutally honest and straight forward in them) to each person I resent. In it list all real or imagined offenses.
B. Explain for myself why each person treated me badly. Was it real or imagined?
C. Forgive each person, let go and forget the offenses.
Step 4: Once I've let go of all of my resentment through forgiving and forgetting, I need to visualize my life, present and future, without the negative impact of resentment. I need to log this vision in my journal and affirm its reality daily.
Step 5: If I am still bogged down by the negative effects of resentment, then I need to go back to Step 1 and begin again.

Self-Forgiveness

Content
What is self-forgiveness?
Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness
New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness
Steps to develop self-forgiveness


What is self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiving is:
* Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.
* Letting go of self-anger for your past failures, errors and mistakes.
* No longer needing penance, sorrow and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.
* The act of self-love after you have admitted your failure, mistake or misdeed.
* The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self-rejection, quieting the sense of failure and lightening the burden of guilt.
* The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses.
Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness
In the absence of self-forgiveness, you run the risk of:
* Unresolved hurt, pain and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
* Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
* Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
* Being caught up in unresolved self-anger, self-hatred and self-blaming.
* Defensive and distant behavior with others.
* Pessimism, negativity and non-growth oriented behavior.
* Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self-healing.
* Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
* Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem and low self-worth.


Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness.
Lack of self-forgiveness can result in:
* A loss of love for yourself.
* Indifference toward yourself and your needs.
* An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
* Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.
* Disrespectful treatment of self.
* Self-destructive behaviors.
* Self-pitying.
* Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors and offenses.
* Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs when they are accepting of you.
* Chronic depression.
* Chronic hostility, sarcasm and cynicism.
* Self name-calling, belittling and self-demeaning behaviors.
* Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.
* Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.
Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness
* I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?
* No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.
* I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?
* I must be inherently evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.
* I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?
* It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.
* There are some things I can never forgive myself for.
* Only God can forgive me, though at times I don't believe He can for what I have done.
* What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.
* I have done too much for which I can never be forgiven.
* I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.
* I do not deserve any self-kindness, self-compassion or self-forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I'll see to it that I am never able to forget it!
* All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.
* I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.
* If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.


New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness.
In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:
* Letting go of past hurt and pain.
* Trusting in your goodness.
* Trusting in the goodness and mercy of your Higher Power to take over the burden for you.
* Letting go and letting your Higher Power lead you during a hurtful time.
* Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of your Higher Power.
* Letting go of fears for the future.
* Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.
* Taking a risk.
* Letting go of self-hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.
* Working out your self-anger.
* Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.
* Developing a personal spirituality.
* Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.
* Developing trust in yourself.
* Open, honest and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.
* Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.


Steps to develop self-forgiveness.


Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.
A. What do you mean by "self-forgiveness"?
B. Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?
C. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?
D. What role do you feel self-forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?
E. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?
F. What are the signs of the absence of self-forgiveness in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends or co-workers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?
G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?
I. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?
J. For what do you need to forgive yourself?


Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self-forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error or misdeed.
A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.
B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?
C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?
D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?
F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self-worth?
G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?
H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?
I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?
J. How can you forgive yourself?
K. How can you put this incident behind you?
L. How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?


Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error or event, use this self-forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self-anger, self-blaming, self-hatred, self-disgust and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.


Self-Forgiveness Mirror Script
* I forgive you for (the past event).
* You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.
* You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.
* This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.
* You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.
* You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).
* You are a good person. I love you.
* You deserve my understanding, compassion and forgiveness.
* You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).
* Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.
* I love seeing you, talking to you and listening to you.
* You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect and self-deservedness.
* There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.
* You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.
* You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.
* You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.
* You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).
* You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.
* You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self-anger and self-hatred over to our Higher Power.
* I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.
* I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).
* I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.
* I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.
* You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.
* Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.
* You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self-growth.


Step 4: Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3, addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting yourself or others for which you need to forgive yourself.


Step 5: When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.